Today is my eleventh anniversary and Marc is really not feeling well. We have been on a "chronic back pain" roller coaster for about seven years now and that has resulted in six surgeries for Marc and FINALLY a favorable disability judgement from the federal government. Living with a disabled person is definitely challenging and not for the weak minded or even for those who are weak in their commitment. Not to brag on myself, but I have often been told by numerous people that many marriages would not have withstood the challenges that Marc and I have faced. People think that I'm some "great person" for standing by and supporting him when he couldn't work...I think that's sweet for people to say because I definitely have needed the encouragement...but I also think it's total bull. It doesn't take some great person to mean what you say in your marriage vows. It doesn't take some great person to fall in love and decide to STAY in love. By the way, I'm not perfect either. Marc has stood beside me though some pretty nasty things too...not because he is a "great person," but because commitment means more than "only when things are comfortable."
When we were dating I once asked Marc, "How do I know that you will never leave? How do I know that I can trust that when you say 'forever' you mean it???" His response to me was, "You can't." HUH?? Then he went on to say, "You can never know that I won't lie to you. I may mean something today and then another day change my mind. Basically you can't trust me. BUT- You have to learn to trust YOURSELF. You have to be confident in your decision that YOU are able to believe that when I say forever, I mean it. If you can't trust yourself and your decisions, you'll never be able to trust me." Wow. That's when I knew that he was the one. Since that conversation I never back down from my decisions. My job requires me to make a thousand decisions a day. I am a mom- TALK about decision making there!!! I don't always make the right decisions...and when I'm wrong I say I am wrong...But I make each decision with confidence and I lead people boldly because I trust myself now.
Ya know, if I started writing all the things that we have been through in eleven years, your eyes might would pop out of your head...so, without emotion and too many details, here are just a few of the "highlights."
**The first month we were married we were pregnant. (NOT before the wedding, I promise!) We lost that baby because I don't produce enough hormones to carry a child the first twelve weeks. We figured out how to fix that and six months later we were pregnant with Emma.
**We moved from Barnwell to Greenwood to a house that looked great but LITERALLY had sewage overflowing in the back yard. SLUM. LORD. We brought sweet Emma home to this house and woke up one morning without heat. It was 54 degrees inside the house and she was only four months old.
**We moved to a nicer house that we really liked. Marc hurt his back for the first time in this house. He was cleaning out our utility room...He went to bed feeling fine and woke up the next morning and couldn't walk. Honestly, I don't remember much about our life before he got hurt...It's been a part of our life for so long that it's hard to imagine life without back pain.
**We bought our house and absolutely love it! We are so proud of the accomplishment of purchasing a home and KEEPING it! (More about that later.) We bought our Addison home to this house and were thankful that both children had a room with brand new carpet and fresh paint. Marc really hurt his back pretty badly right before Addie was born and had spinal fusion surgery three weeks before he was born, (six weeks before he was due...) I drove myself to the hospital in labor. Addie was born three weeks early...Have you ever had a three year old along with a post surgical husband immediately after you've had a baby? Difficult to say the least...I was THRILLED when he could bend over to tie his shoes!
**My grandmother on my mom's side passed away. Tough times.
**We started looking around for a church after Marc's dad retired from the one where we were attending. We were actually told by one church that not only could we not become members of the church, we could not ATTEND their church because of a differing belief about Baptism. Eventually we found Harris and it has been a great place for us. We feel like we didn't have to make a place for ourselves there...There was already a place for us and we just filled a spot where they needed us. It's nice to know that people pray for you, encourage you, support you and it helps to feel appreciated in ministry.
**I took a job at Ware Shoals. Best decision I've ever made. I loved my old school and I'm not sure I was ready to leave there, but "something" told me to move and it's been a great decision. Addison was a year and a half old when I changed jobs to work twice as many hours...It was a tough call, but I'm glad I did it.
**Marc had several other surgeries and we finally decided that he was not going to be able to work. He tried to work and not work, but financially we weren't able to make it. Eventually, we had to just bite the bullet and he stopped working. My family had a tough time with this because they thought that the man was supposed to support the family and some of them to this day think that Marc is lazy and that he COULD work if he wanted to...Ooh well about that....We had eighteen months of hanging on by a shoestring, but there was a peace about it the entire time. People helped out- More than I could ever blog about...That will be a post for later, for sure...We almost lost everything we had several times, but God was faithful and He provided every single time. We never even had to disconnect our cable!! We learned to live within our means and to appreciate the things we have been given. It wasn't easy- Plus, learning in your early 30's that you are disabled and will never be capable of working again is a tough pill to swallow. There was definitely an adjustment for both of us. We argued about stupid things...never really money issues, but silly things like why the tea wasn't poured up or why the laundry wasn't done...Sometimes the small stuff becomes the big stuff, but finally, right at Christmas last year, we received his disability judgement and things have been much better since then! Both of our attitudes are better since we can breathe a little more...and with better attitudes comes more laundry getting done. :-)
Since the disability settlement, Marc has found ways to have a quality of life. He takes great pride in our yard. (Thankfully, he can use our neighbor's riding lawn mower and this makes it easier for him to work outside.) He enjoys watching the garden grow and he has a man cave shop out in the back where he can sit and work on model cars and such...and he plays a lot of music. He's gotten involved in Upstate Winds, a community band where he plays the baritone. He plays the tuba in our church orchestra and this upcoming marching season he is going to work with the brass players at my school. He is truly a talented musician and I'm glad that he's in a place now where I can put him to good use!
There are still days when Marc does not get out of bed. There are days when he is one THOUSAND percent unable to function in the world...It still gets tough managing the house as basically a single mom on days like that...But I've learned that the laundry can wait- It is more important to raise happy, healthy children than to keep an immaculate house. It is more important that my husband feel needed and validated than the furniture get dusted or the floors get vacuumed. It doesn't take "great people" to make a marriage work, but it does take committed people. Here's to us trying to stay committed to each other and not committed to the loony bin!!!
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