Growing up, life for me was less than stellar. I'm not one to whine and complain, and I feel like my life is an open book- If you want to know something, just ask, but let's just say that I was one of "those kids" in school that everyone picked on, I wasn't the richest, in fact, sometimes, not always, but sometimes, we had very little money. I wasn't the smartest, maybe a C student if I'm being lenient. Heck...I probably wasn't even one of the cleanest kids...and I was in the band. Pin a target on my chest. We lived in a trailer. And raised huntin' dogs. And drank a lot of beer....Well, not the kids, but you get the idea. :-)
As an adult, I have the life that I always dreamed of. I have a beautiful home that is nicer than many and it is full of love and laughter. I have a great job that I love going to every day and definitely makes all those "band nerd" jokes in school worth it. My friends can be counted on more than one hand (and my grandfather always told me that people who have more than five very close friends are lucky.) I have a wonderful husband who loves me even when I don't deserve it, but most of all, I have two amazing children. My kids are my whole world. I get up in the morning and they are my first thought. I go to bed at night thinking about them. I dream about them...FOR them...nothing on this earth matters more to me than those two babies sleeping upstairs...
I often think, "Ya know, those two don't know how good they have it." Do they get picked on in school? No. Do their parents argue? No. Have they ever seen a bar room brawl? No. Do they know what it is like to have a home filled with anger and hate? No...and God willing, they never will. My kids would be lost as a ball in high grass if they saw some of the things that kids in their own classes live with. I want my children to NEVER know that there are homes in America like what I know. I want them to live oblivious to screaming matches. Have they seen me and their daddy argue? Yep- but it isn't the "norm" for us. We aren't perfect people by any stretch of the imagination, but we are trying so hard to shield them from all the bad in the world. I know that I can't protect them from everything, and I am probably wrong to even try....But I've seen the bad...I've SEEN the evil...and it is some place that I never want my children to go. I want so badly for them to feel loved and wanted...but more than that, I want them to feel secure- Comfortable in their own skin, because I think more than anything, that was the hardest for me to obtain. I was a happy, loved adult, long before I was a secure and confident one. It took me a LONG time to look at someone and tell them that if they didn't like it they could lump it. It took me a LONG time to realize that I didn't have to act like a whipped dog. THAT is a feeling I hope they NEVER have. Those feelings of inadequacy aren't what God wants for us- God doesn't desire a defeated attitude from us. He doesn't want us to look in the mirror and wish we could do better. He doesn't want us to cry and feel lonely and unloved. Instead, he wants to instill joy and a longing for peace. He desires that we look to HIM in worship and praise. Happiness is based on circumstances. Joy is based on Jesus.
I am so proud of the person that God has shaped me into. Boy, howdy, does He still have MUCH work to do...But I think that those of you who knew me 10, 15, 20 years ago would say, "Yeah, we don't EVER want to see you in that place again." It's something that I want to protect my children from. I am thankful for the journey, for if I didn't have the story, I would take what I have now for granted...Which is why I say that my kids don't know how good they have it. Yes, if they don't get their hearts broken, they won't know real love...I've heard the cliches...But I will do everything in my power to make sure that their childhood is good. I am okay with them not knowing how good they have it...because if they didn't have it good, they'd have it bad and that will NOT happen...Not on my watch, anyway.
Some people think that I come across as "holier than thou" or that I live on my high horse, but I really don't. It's just that it took me so long to conquer so many demons and I am not willing to go even remotely close to that ever again. I am the exact opposite of the person I was. I am the product of years of screaming, shouting, loneliness, depression and defeat and what has blossomed out of that is confidence...a strong will....stubbornness...I can finally look in the mirror and say, "Hey. I like you," and I'm not intending on anyone taking that away from me. As you read this, understand that I am not better than you, I am just better at being ME than I have ever been. Thank God that He saw fit to raise me up from where I was and bless me with the life that I have now. I can only pray that it continues to roll as wonderfully as it has...Yes, we've had our difficulties, but they have only made us stronger and more confident that we will ALWAYS be taken care of. If I have a fear, it is that all of "this,-" my kids, my husband, my life- will be taken away from me somehow. It often seems like it is too good to be true and that it can't last forever, but for so many people it does. Could I be that 90 year old lady who passes away peacefully in her bed with her family gathered around her, singing hymns and remembering fondly the life she built? I hope so...It doesn't seem probable, but I hope so.
This amazing thing happened tonight. We went to see Christmas lights at a park in Williamston and it was lit up prettier than I've ever seen it. There was a playground and all of the trees were lit up to allow you to play under a canopy of color. There were nutcrackers and snowmen, crosses and Santa Claus. Lights were literally everywhere. I sat on a swing and started to pump the chain just a little bit. Before I knew it, I was swinging high up towards the trees and it was as if I was soaring through the colors all around me. It was as happy and childlike as I've ever felt, actually. Around me, there were kids squealing everywhere, everyone was laughing and running and playing and I thought, "Thank you God for this child-like night where I can be as young as I want and make a really good memory with my family. Thank you God, that my children are so unbelievably happy and so far removed from anything that isn't this wonderful...and Thank you God for showing me that this was Your plan all along...
It's late- VERY late and they are all upstairs asleep. The Christmas tree is lit and it's quiet, except for the hum of the fish tank. The cat is curled up beside me and the dog is asleep in with my daughter in her bed. Peace, and on earth, goodwill to men.
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